Hey there! it's another blog!!
It's not that great of one, though. I haven't been very well lately, to be honest.
It's nice to vent here I guess, since I know only one or two people will see it. its cathartic in a way to send my problems into the void of the internet.
I don't ever share my negative emotions or thoughts, even with people close to me. its mostly a thing i picked up from my family, i think. So writing them in a blog like this is a nice start.
when i talk to people about my feelings i just end up getting frustruated to the point of boiling over and saying hurtful things, which is another fun trait i picked up from my family and overall just growing up in an online environment i think. i always feel like no one understands, and no one ever says the right thing. it's not their fault, obviously. how would they know what to say? i don't even know what i want them to say at that point. thats when i usually just shut down and escape into myself. I feel like every small, insignifigant thing is a potential reason for me to completely blow up.
Anyways, i havent been sleeping very well. at all. my girlfriend keeps snoring loudly and the cats in our apartment keep fighting, or scratching at our door, or knocking something over and breaking it. most of the time, i don't even bother going to sleep because i know i wont even be able to. I don't want to sleep on the couch because itll make her feel bad and it hurts. I miss my old house a lot so i can sleep normally. i try using earbuds and ear plugs and white noise and literally EVERYTHING but it doesn't help. the earbuds and earplugs hurt. My sleep schedule is completely fucked and i think my mental health is worse because of it lately.
Money problems are a big part in this, as well as car problems. I need to get my car checked, but that circles back to money problems, and it's just a feedback loop from there. I'm so completely fucking sick of driving everywhere and cars and just everything related. I hate driving in the city. I feel like im going to die at any moment, or my car is going to break down again and we'll have to spend a thousand dollars to get it towed again or get it fixed or something. and then go completely broke again. im so so fucking tired of driving and owning a car. i wish i could be one of those people who could buy new car whenever they wanted, or i wish we just had trains or better public transit here or something.
I don't even want to get into all of the recent global events or ill start spiraling even faster thinking about it.
another big thing is that I decided to stop smoking recently. I got a vape with no nicotine in it to simulate the feeling of using a real one, but im still feeling the effects of withdrawl. this is my third(?) time trying to quit and i dont have a lot of faith in myself this time, but im trying.
I feel like every time i try to quit, i revert to what i was like when i was around middleschool/highschool age. Angry, sad, anxious and panicy. Like a rattlesnake backed into a corner that someone keeps poking with a broom, scared and ready to lunge at anyone it can.
I hope this is the reason im so insanely depressed recently. or maybe im starting my period soon (i kind of doubt it, this keeps happening regardless). whatever it may be, i don't want to stay like this. I need to feel better soon or im going to do/say something really bad.
im pretty much at a loss for what to do to make myself feel better. i havent been feeling like talking to anyone or doing anything whole-heartedly. I feel like it comes in waves, like a sine wave, from happy to sad and over again and it's getting really bad and annoying. I barely do any of the things i like anymore, or get inspired about OCs. and that makes me even sadder because that's a huge part of my soul, as dumb as that sounds.
i think i should go to therapy or something or get tested or whatever they do. my parents always tried when i was younger but i never wanted to which i kind of regret now.
anyways, thats it. sorry for making you read all this if you did. i know vent posts are really cringy and lame sometimes but its nice to get this stuff out of my brain and into something more... tangible? i hope this doesn't change how you think of me as a person, if you know me and are reading this. I feel kind of bad because these probably seem like stupid things to vent about compared to other people's problems. i just feel really unstable i think. Like i said at the beginning, every little thing feels enormous acdn catastrophic. I'll probably be fine in a few days so dont worryyy ig
this post was heavily edited so a lot of stuff i wish i could say is still left in my brain. someday ill let it out, idk. I didn't want to get too self-indulgent with this and let it get out of hand in case someone sees this
TL;DR im sad and something's probably wrong with my brain
See you next post,
- Liv
obligatory anime girl because its funny haha
